Today is day 185. Today’s a big day. Today marks six months of recovery. Six months of fighting ED. Six months of getting my life back. Six months of challenging myself. Six months of tears. Six months of finding joy again. Six months of therapy. Six months of meal plans. Six months of weight restoration. Six months of no exercising. Six months of doctors appointments. Six months of life. Six months of support. Six months of love. Six months of faith. Six months of hope.
As hard as recovery is I look at it as a choice but a choice you must choose. You must choose recovery. You must recover. I must recover. In a simple way at the end of the day a life with ED is being alive but not living and ultimately ending in death. While any life ends in death, a life with ED is as if you’re just alive waiting to die... and what fun is that?
Recovery isn’t just choosing to fight ED but it’s choosing all of your life. Your passions, your dreams, your loved ones, your future, and your soul.
Over these six months I’ve been diagnosed, out patient treatment at school for three months, graduated college, went to residential treatment for 45 days, IOP for about a month now, and setup my OP team. The work isn’t easy because when has an eating disorder ever been easy....never. But just because it’s not easy doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. That’s what recovery is...it’s worth it, because recovery is life. I believe in recovery, I believe it’s possible, and I believe in anyone out there fighting an eating disorder.
I hope those fighting choose to believe it too, that recovery is possible. I'm on my recovery journey and there's no timeline or itinerary of what the journey entails. In someways it's scary with no timeline or itinerary but in other ways it's a time for endless possibilities.
What I would like to say to myself here today is that:
I know none of this has been easy but you have fought with all you can. You have reached out and leaned on others for support. You took your life back. You closed a door and opened a new one. You've had indescribable pain throughout this journey but you kept going. You listened to your team even when it was tough. You never knew how strong you were and to be honest you still don't realize it. This journey is wild. You've done your best to describe it and share it but only you know everything you've been battling through. You're doing it so don't stop.
What I would like to say to others fighting:
Choose recovery. Choose Life. Choose you. Never stop fighting. Never stop believing in recovery. never stop believing in yourself. You're stronger than you know. I believe in you.
There will be a lot of thoughts today as this is a really big milestone in this journey and in my life. Day 185 six months.
Later today after writing this I was at the beach and I was able to really be present and appreciate the true feeling of life, the sun warming my skin, creating freckles on my face, the sound of the little waves crashing, the smell fo the salty air, and the presence of God within me. There's thoughts, there's poor body image, there's battles still being faced but there's so much faith and hope. There's incredible transformation and growth over the past six months.
I'm thankful & grateful for being here right here and right now.
No Retreat No Surrender. JR