Recently I haven’t included as much information with my whereabouts but I’m happy to say it’s because I’ve been going on job interviews. Job interviews are a big step in life and especially now for me in my recovery. Every time I move “forward” in life and recovery I find that my eating disorder wants to pull me seven steps back.
Even though I’m not following my eating disorder backward I am still hearing all its annoying chatter. This got me thinking about how my psychiatrist always reminds me that I must recover and that’s what I have to tell myself, not just that I want to, but I must.
I’ve expressed in previous posts about how I’ve felt like a loser because I was in residential treatment this summer while my peers were starting jobs, preparing for grad school, or traveling the globe. I used to feel very down on myself for this as if I chose the eating disorder.
I’ve been able to remind myself I didn’t choose the eating disorder, but I did choose recovery. Just because I chose it though doesn’t mean it’s easy, in fact, it’s most certainly the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my twenty-two years of life.
Although I haven’t had a job since graduation or have been in school I’ve had the most important and hardest job these past 251 days and it goes by the name recovery. Unlike a typical job, recovery is no 9-5, it’s constant. It’s a constant battle of choosing the recovery choice over the eating disorder choice. It’s rewiring your brain, your mindset, and your coping skills. It’s constantly challenging yourself over and over again no matter the pain. There’s no paycheck in cash but there is life and life is a billion times more valuable than any amount of cash.
There’s success defined in a new way. Recovery has meaning and is giving me my ability to truly live again. Recovery is a must. Recovery is constant.
No Retreat No Surrender. JR