Guilt - June 19th

Updated: Aug 14, 2019

I wrote the word guilt in my letters to my family a lot. I didn't come to terms with how guilty I felt until reading my letters yesterday. I know that I am not fully ED & I didn't choose ED but I think what causes the guilt is knowing that my actions caused this.


I feel guilty for obeying ED. If I had cancer or anyone that I knew did I wouldn't think they caused it because you don't have that control. It's the idea of because it's my actions that I could have stopped it or prevented it. Throughout my recovery I have said i've now been able to look back and see all the brainwashing that ED did to me. I guess the perfectionist of me feels that I should have known better. When I think of myself at the height of my ED I can see how I couldn't snap out of it, even in the beginning of my recovery. I believe I feel guilt because of where I am on my recovery journey.

What I mean is how i've been able to fight ED and rewire my body and my brain. I feel guilty because i'm in shock. I'm in shock that this happened to me. I don't feel pity for myself though. I have a strong belief that God put this on my life path for a reason.


I don't know if i'll ever be able to determine that reason, but I do believe there is one or multiples. I also believe that God will guide me along this path. Throughout my recovery I've been on and off in my faith. I haven't betrayed or forgotten about God but rather I've been strengthened by him and anyone that strengthens and supports me ED hates.


I am happy to be connecting with my faith again especially being in residential treatment. I feel guilty for hurting my own body and putting myself in a close to death position at 21. I feel guilty for not stopping my actions earlier. While I write this and think about these times I feel a sense of forgiveness. Recovery I will never be guilty for of course.


ED is not happy with recovery and that's fine because I am choosing LIFE & getting rid of ED instead of living with ED and dying. It's scary to me to think how close to death I was. Thinking about the wreckage my body went through. How many organs were going into hibernation and not functioning properly. The overexercising, the denial of hunger. The beginning of my recovery when I was feeling my body adjusting to simply eating again and the hunger and fullness cues not being there at all.


I need to be able to forgive myself and recovery is not just to get my body and mind to be health but also to get them to trust me again and for me to forgive myself. I don't feel guilt for recovery - I feel, confident, and proud. I'm proud that i've chose recovery and life. Overall I feel guilty for hurting myself, my family, my friends, and others in my life.


I am separating myself mentally with the other ED side mentally every day. From day open of recovery i've been blessed to have a very strong self awareness of who ED's voice is and who my healthy self's voice is. With that being said I have to be able to forgive myself for my actions of life with ED and instead of using that guilt for changing it into positive energy for recovery. I'm not having ED on purpose to hurt myself or others.


It's like breaking a rule because I never knew the rule, if I knew it I wouldn't have broke it.



No Surrender No Retreat

JR

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Jackie Rafferty

Jackie Rafferty