When you came into my life, I trusted you, I opened up, and I showed you my vulnerabilities. At first this relationship felt so strong and powerful. You made me feel powerful, admired, inspirational, and in control, just by being in my life. I fell in love with the progress, the competition, the praise, and the rush. I was too blind-sided to understand balance and slowly by slowly you took over and I lost balance. I had hit rock bottom after sinking for what felt like was so quickly when it was really so long.
My eyes and brain became controlled by you. Nothing else in the world mattered but this relationship with you. If I “failed” at the relationship or tried to do things with others you made me feel hurt and guilty. I wasn’t allowed to focus on things important to me. I wasn’t allowed to enjoy myself. You worked your manipulation on me and made me believe that because I had you everything would be perfect. Specifically, I would look, feel, and think that I was perfect and all those around me would praise me like I was a queen. A queen that had it all figured out and made it look so easy.
The truth is, I entered a relationship that severed my wants and desires but was punishing me. I wasn’t myself. I stopped doing things I loved. I stopped being myself. I stopped seeing people. I loved a life controlled by you, ED. A life with you isn’t living but rather just being alive. You were tricking me into thinking a life with you was everything I could have ever hoped and dreamed of, but it was a nightmare I couldn’t wakeup from.
It hurts me because I can’t believe how naïve I was to trust and believe you, but I also understand how it was so easy to be fooled. The beginning I was content and happy it was like a honeymoon phase of our relationship and then you changed. You began to boss me around, threaten me with my insecurities, convincing me to believe and trust you.
You got louder and louder and I obeyed and listened because I couldn’t handle the talk back of feeling guilty and ashamed. When I listened, I thought it would shut you up and from time to time it did and you praised me. But slowly you kept getting louder and everything I was doing wasn’t enough for you and that’s what I so desperately wanted. Our relationship went from being my happiest, most confident self to the most unhappiness tragedy. I could ever be in. I didn’t know who I was for so long because you took over and made the decisions. You wore the pants a little too tight.
Suddenly and finally I was pulled up from rock bottom to the surface. As I slowly woke up from the drowning to be able to open my eyes and take a nice deep breath of fresh new air. The sun began to shine and warm my cold body up, the current shifted from stormy waves to peaceful and calm water, and I could breathe again, without you.
You taught me that I never needed you. The only person I need is myself. You taught me that although I have great self-awareness and connection with myself there are missing puzzle pieces that I must fill to complete the puzzle. I never wish or wanted you, but you came Into my life and took over. You taught me how strong I actually am and you’re still teaching me who I truly am.
You suck but I also forgive you, and myself. No one ever knows what the ocean water holds ahead, and we got stuck in a storm for a while but no I’m floating and breathing, I’m swimming to the shore. I don’t know where I am in this great big ocean or where I’m going but I do know the light will guide me to shore and you’re going to stay with the storm as the storm I was caught in, but it passed now.
There will be rain on days, but it will never be like this storm again. I swim now stroke by stroke following the light, taking it one stroke at a time, and seeing what a beautiful place I’m in right here and right now as I swim to an unknown shore. I won’t stop trying to swim and when I get tired, I’ll breathe and float for a little bit, but I won’t drown, ever again.
No Retreat No Surrender. JR