Day 123

Happy four months of RECOVERY four months of LIFE & my lucky and favorite number 23 :)

This morning's breakfast is bagels which I have missed but they're not even NY bagels they're store-bought plastic bagels, when there is a bagel store right down the block... a Long Island disgrace. lol.

Yay for bagels though with cream cheese and tomato and orange slices on the side. Somethings I do miss being here 16 days now are my food preferences and like choosing meals but I will survive. I have to figure out my passes for this week that I want to request for the contract group today.

Today is shop and cook which is a group where if you're allowed the privilege you get to go shopping for dinner and cook the dinner for the group. I know this week I have no sub meals so that will be fun to see what each meal is, I do know we're having a BBQ lunch for the fourth of July which is nice.

I am thinking about giving Jenna (my sister) my apple watch because I don't think it's good for me with it's ED life attached to it but I don't want it to go to waste.

This morning was also weigh-in day. The contract group always makes me anxious about planning for the week to come since it's our day to request passes. The good news of today is that I will be bought with shop and cook. Morning snack was raisin bran cereal with some coconut shreds on top.

I did some journaling this morning, assignments, and reading before morning snack. After the snack we had a group. Lunch was ziti, bread, and salad, I was happy to have some vegetables since we haven't in a bit lol, My body feels hungry this afternoon but we will see how it feels after digestion because sometimes it changes.

I'm nervous about my passes because I feel that some things won't be approved because of my insurance thinking im doing too good to be here. It's annoying to hear that because my eating disorder is like see youre not sick. Little do insurance companies realize this. I'm reminding myself though that God is in control not me, not insurance, just God.

Shop and cook was really fun with some of the other clients. We also ate dinner outside today which was lovely because we know me and nature...hehe. Dinner was grilled chicken, squash, zucchini, onions, pita bread, hummus, and watermelon. It was great and I was happy to go to the food store and cook. Cooking and food shopping are two things I miss but two things I am so excited about to not live in a disordered mindset. Tonight we have ice cream sundae night as well :).

Today felt slow in the morning and then it really sped up and now I am tired but I can also feel my body adjusting to wanting more food which is a surprisingly comforting sign because it means my body is working. I do enjoy getting up early here and going to bed tired but the hard part is when we get to watch tv I do want to watch tv in the evening to relax before bed but sometimes I am so physically tired it's impossible. I know the tiredness is my body healing though and I must give it rest.

I am grateful to have my family and all their love and support. The physical part of recovery is freaking me out but I am reminded by them that I am okay. This is what I need to do. It's scary because I can see and feel my body changing so fast it reminds me of like puberty 2.0. I know I will get to weight restoration and my body will adjust more throughout recovery and I need to trust it, just as much as it needs to trust me again. everything is going to be okay.

No Retreat. No Surrender. JR

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