Day 122 - June 30th

---- The Lord's Day! Happy Sunday :) Today is a beach morning outing with the fam :) I accidentally just got pen on my bed lol. I did put my laundry in the washer so that was good since today is my room's laundry day. My body was certainly tired last night and I got a really solid sleep which was well appreciated. Today is also mini-golf outing and pizza Sunday. The Nutella and graham crackers were a good snack because it reminded me of those elf cookies I used to eat when I was young (Keebler, E.L. Fudge cookies). Tomorrow is weigh-in day and I'm proud of the increase and hope it's a quality and quantity increase for my weight that I need to achieve. Today's I will remember is "misbelief, disbelief, and no belief produce miseries." I will forever be grateful for God's love even when I wasn't loving him, the time spent with ED and not God just goes to show how horrible life without God can be. The time of loving God and trying to get ED out goes to show how amazing life with God is and life without ED. I am working on me and I've been learning, connecting, and worshiping me for me more than I ever have in my life. I think that's a focus for me of self-love, self-appreciation, and self-awareness. Having ED has made me confirm my self-awareness. I've grown up being a person who is usually very aware of what I'm feeling, thinking, wanting, and needing. Having ED has made me realize how self-aware I actually am. Throughout the process, I've been able to determine who Ed's voice is and who's mine is. I feel like throughout the process of ED my healthy self has always been here and I've just been listening and obeying ED. I feel like I listened and obeyed ED because it seems easier than disobeying him and hearing his yelling. The truth is though ED is mad and yelling whether I listen and obey or don't listen. It hurts to look back and think and see myself deep in my eating disorder. I can see myself over-exercising, tracking calories, increasing reps at the gym, pushing myself past my limits way too far. In reality, I'm so lucky that I didn't break bones, pull muscles, or have a heart attack. I can see myself and feel myself being hungry and not eating more food. I can see myself tracking calories to determine what I "wanted" for meals and snacks. I remember being mean and bitchy because my body was starving. I remember looking at my face specifically and watch the fat in my face and not seeing how frail and dead I looked. I remember lying to my parents about working out and tracking calories. I remember burning over 1,000 calories and eating under 1,000 calories. This morning's breakfast is yogurt bowl breakfast since it's Sunday. Today's yogurt bowl was vanilla yogurt with walnuts, banana, and honey. I'm excited to get out of the house today and have my family outing. I feel like I've been too in my head with snack and food choices but I think that's just me trying to find "balance" when I have limited control over my whole diet. I want to make sure I am having enough fiber because of going to the bathroom so I've been trying to have fruits and vegetables as snack options but I know I also can't just have that for snacks / don't want to risk creating a fear of other snacks. Being aware of this makes me confident that I will make good choices though. I also am starting to miss random things but like weekend breakfasts with the fam, seafood for dinner or meal Summer outings, night ice cream at home or in Mattituck at Magic Foutain, COFFEE, and more. In an odd way though I am happy that I am missing these things because it means that I want them and I am craving them without thinking it's "wrong". For my snacks today I am trying the caramel walnut brownie luna bar for a morning snack, dried fruit, and nuts for an afternoon snack and ice cream for a night snack. My visit with my family was really nice and enjoyable but also really hard. It hurt a lot. It hurt because it's good to feel normal and like myself but hard to feel limited with life. I know I am recovering, I know my healthier self and soul self is growing stronger and stronger each day and while I feel limited now the possibilities are endless for my future. It's just so weird living this way of being in residential and having to have a pass to see my family and get out of the house and not be participating in normal family weekend Summer activities. I'm going to focus on my soul self and what I want to do in the future, but I also think it's important to set goals, try to make plans, etc. but know that not everything needs to be planned, followed, or succeeded, what I'm supposed to do in life God will guide me. I right now feel a connection with a Long Island boutique - resort wear may be under the name (top secret :) hehe) and it focuses on empowering women with their outfits, themselves, and their bodies. With inspirational quotes and sayings in the store, on clothes, and focusing on having a zest for life.

Feeling like myself and feeling a little frustrated is a positive and good sign though for my recovery. I can see the progress I am making here in residential treatment and my family told me they can see it as well. Lunch today was a salad with dressing and hot grilled sandwich of turkey, cheese,e apples, and jam. The sandwich was a delicious combo that I have to remember for when I am home.

The outing today was mini golf and it was such fun. It felt great to do an activity like this that I always enjoyed and it felt super normal like I was just with my friends out mini-golfing. We then went o Starbucks on the outing and I got a grande iced decaf caramel macchiato (decaf because we can't have caffeine) I challenged myself with liquid calories.

This week I want to focus on giving myself self-love, self-appreciation, credit, grace, patience, and time, I'm outside now enjoying the sun before dinner. Dinner is a vegetable like a slice of pizza and a regular slice. We watched some tv and then I had my night snack of ice cream:). Tomorrow marks 4 months of recovery.

No Retreat. No Surrender. JR

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