Day 120 - June 28th

Friday. two weeks at Monte Nido. I'm feeling a mix of emotions and thinking a mix too. I feel I am in a strong place of discovery and conquering this eating disorder and right now ED knows and now realizes how strong i've become in such short time and he hates it because he knows I want him gone.

What is frustrating me is body image in the sense of accepting and trusting my body, There's this like fear of what I will look like at a healthy weight without working out etc. I think it's this fear because of no knowing my weight and feeling healthy now and seeing the weight gain but with that I just need to continue to trust my body, my team, and God.

I think the food increase is good but with what meals we've had this week and the increase I am more backed up then I feel I should be which is annoying and uncomfortable and such an unfortunate part of recovery.

The places of concern are my insecure areas and others of feelings like my thighs, legs, stomach, arms, cheeks/face. I'm going to refocus the energy fo these thoughts on my soul. I;, feeling fearless, hopeful, and grateful today.

The body image is interesting because it's like I didn't know what I would look like at my lowest weight or care about x amount of pounds it was just a matter of if I like or ED liked what I saw in the mirror. I guess thats what i'm fearful of now about if I was insecure then how I will be now. I remember times of hating my body and especially when i'm on my period not just physically feeling gross but convinced that I was gross.

It's hard to think of and feel this way because I can accept and love others' bodies and souls but I keep picking and attacking mine. I need to focus on my own and lifting them up,

Today's I will remember is " to travel lightly through life without the wreckage of the past". This i'm using as not making myself feel guilty or ashamed at developing an eating disorder. Breakfast was waffles and yogurt because it's Friday. Morning snack was apple and peanut butter. We had primary group. One of my friends her is leaving on Thursday which is sad but I am happy for her and proud of her. It will be sad to be here without her. It's funny in an odd sense of leaving here because I feel like there's a perception that when you leave everything is cured like yay I went to residential ED is gone. When reality is you're stepping down to your next level of treatment and battling ED.

Lunch today was salsa, sour cream, tostito chips with a cheese and avocado quesadillas. I tried hot sauce for the first time and it was really good. I went on my snack pass with my dietitian and I had made it a surprise snack. We went to this really amazing Italian bakery near by and I got a cannoli mouse pastry. It was really good and i'm going to want to go back to that bakery when i'm out fo her lol. My stomach is hurting physically from stretching with the food increase so hopefully the weight moves up on the scale. I am feeling more food freedom with looking at each meal and snack and being able to determine what i've really liked and able ot make actual choices on outings and not second guess or freak out about them.

I am almost done with my Jackie & Lee book. We have an outing tonight since it's Friday and we're going to Michaels. Hopefully I can find some fun crafts to do. I'm doing my best to stay focused and present here and just take it day by day and focus on my strength, purpose, faith, and life.

I'm laying outside under the trees in the shade and it's just so beautiful and I can't help but feel such strong faith, hope, and appreciation to God. I know i have an eating disorder but I am working on it and although it was hard to have it be my senior year of college and last semester there's no better way. I say this because as I lay under these trees and stare at the bright blue sky I am at peace.

I am at peace with who and where i am right now. I'm not in a rush to who I want to be or where I want to go because time is on my side. there's something so special about having this ability to transform myself and my soul and be so present in here and now. I feel so connected. I feel so special that I can take these moments and feel grateful for recovery.

Everyone else in the world right now is running around and knowing or caring too much about what others are doing / thinking and I am here with God in the present as if time has stopped. As if I thought I knew my destination in life but I know God is in control and it's going to be more beautiful and amazing than I could have ever hoped for, wished for, or imagined, Thank you God.

I finished my Jackie & Lee book and started two new books. One book is Jackie's Newport and the other is Iconic the Masters of Italian Fashion. Both books are really great thus far. Two store names have come to me form Jackie's Newport book one is City by the Sea and the other i'm not writing here because I don't want anyone to steal it for my future.... hehehe.

I'm happy to be connecting and exploring with fashion and what I want my future in fashion to be or what it could potentially be. Everyone then was outside and we were all under the trees in the shade just chatting. My friends told me I was glowing and that truly sparked joy for me because I felt so connected with God and my life.

Dinner was grilled chicken, quinoa and cucumbers. All were seasoned really well and nicely, I really enjoyed this meal. Dessert was pistachio and vanilla chip ice cream. We went to Michaels and I got some wood things to paint. I'm excited tomorrow is going to be rainy but it would be nice to get our morning walk in. The good thing about it raining in the day us we get to watch tv tomorrow at any time. Tomorrow is also family group. Sunday we're going on a mini gold outing.

I'm feeling myself beginning to truly connect with my true self and I feel like a kid but that's the true innocent process of recovery.

No Retreat No Surrender. JR

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