Day 119

Let's have a terrific Thursday. It's supposed to be nice and warm its funny because i'm forgetting it's Summer but if I was a season that's what I would be. My soul rests in Summer. This morning I feel nice and fresh my stomach is bloated and i'm not digesting normally which is painful but I know it will work itself out.

It's a little hard getting used to my body again inside and outside but I know with time things will come. Right now its like needing to enforce things to bring with me to my life outside of Monte Nido. I do believe in faking things until you make it to help with the beginning of a process.

Today I am thankful for being here and my surprise snack last night. I thank God for this weather and this earth, for the sun nourishing the earth and making me feel warm and happy. I thank God for my healthy self brain and I ask him to guide me to discover how to rewire my eating disorder self brain. I think noticing and feeling the weight gain in an odd way is good because it means i'm closer to restoring my weight for my body and restoring myself.

Breakfast was scrambled eggs and cheese with strawberries and buttered toast. I'm happy I get to have a therapy session with my family. Everyone wants to do surprise snack now so go me #trendsetter. I like how being here you're not like attached to your body with mirrors, not taking pictures. It makes me think about validation and media since those have been this weeks topics in groups.

It's like learning how media, society, those close to you and more can influence yourself. Today it's as if society with media has portrayed that what others' think you is more valuable than what you think of yourself.

I feel as though i'm in another milestone of my recovery. I feel like i am determining and discovering my soul self and making intentions on how I can plan to live my life. I do believe I will live a life without ED, I believe I will recover. I will remember this journey forever and use the skills i've learned to my advantage in many aspects of life.

I'm telling myself all of this and I know ED is made and he's trying to fight but I am stronger than ever mentally and physically right now. Time and God are on my side and those are two beautiful things to have in recovery.

I portioned my first snack today for morning of yogurt, granola, and banana.I feel more self conscious eating and I don't know if it is because ED has been louder or if i'm just trying now to be mindful of my food and connect with it rather than just eating it because i need to.

When ED isn't happy that means i'm doing great. Primary group was primary group. There's mixed feelings on where everyone is on their recovery journey and their time at Monte Nido. It is hard in a sense not to compare your recovery to others, just like anything else in life. Tomorrow marks me being here for two weeks which makes me think about the two weeks after graduation I had before coming to Monte Nido. It's crazy how time is going but it's also reassuring that things don't feel as slow. They days can feel long and slow at times for sure but they all add up.

ED doesn't want me in residential treatment, because he knows i'm kicking him out. I can feel the strength in myself and my recovery just in these past two weeks. It's thrilling for me and horribly cruel to him. The only one I need to listen to and trust is God.

Lunch was pepperoni pizza today, pm snack was a pear, wheat crackers, and string cheese, dinner was gnocchi with cheese, sauce, and broccoli, evening snack was.....

I cried before in therapy with my parents and my therapist. I think i'm just overwhelmed and tired, my body is truing to adjust to my meal changes physically, mentally, and emotionally. We talked about insurance debating if I need this care because they don't understand why I didn't go to residential treatment in March.3My therapist is speaking to them and going to go over what my treatment entailed while I was at school, since it wasn't like I had 0 help. It's hard to be doing good in treatment as well and then insurance being like oh she should go, as if they want people to do bad.

We discussed spin and I cried because I do love it and it's questionable whether it will be in my future or not. We talked about the competitiveness of spin, it's environment, how it can be addicting, and more. I am happy I allowed myself to feel my emotions with the therapy session.

I want to be able to talk to my parents more about how i'm currently feeling and the future. I know i just need to trust my team and God right now. I know I have fear of ED never going away or coming back. I also know i'm choosing to fight. I just need to keep fighting my best and have faith that it will all work itself out.

I feel that I am becoming even more self aware / noticing how self aware I actually am. I took a nap outside in the shade which napping is like a never for me but a must in recovery. Napping under the trees in the shade outside is so peaceful here.

I had a lot of thoughts today and emotions overall but they're all recovery focused. I know i'm just trying to keep putting puzzle pieces together. I'm also looking back to try to seek things of insecurities and times that my eating disorder came up before it went wild. I realized how i've always strived on the fit sit. I always want to be more fit and look fit, it's a part of me and my lifestyle, but the key word is part, it's not all of me and it's not supposed to be all of me. I did feel good when things were balanced and that's what I need to find again and make it even better, and sustain it.

I received a letter from one of my recovery friends and one of my roommates after the session which really brightened my day.

No Retreat No Surrender. JR

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