Day 118 - June 26th

Today I will remember: God always answers prayers: sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes wait.

Trendy Thursday lol it's not even Thursday it's Wednesday lol. Everything is wacky Wednesday today. We have yoga which will be cut short for my bone density test, then lunch outing and my snack outing with ym mom and grandma. I'm excited to be out of the house and see my mom and grandma. Also first real day of level 2 which means 1:30 bathroom observations, portioning snacks, and pick at time snacks. It should be interesting to see where we go to lunch today. A fun day of eating is what today will be haha.

I can feel Ed's presence today the guilt because it feels like so much but it's unexpected in the sense that lunch outings are usually on Tuesday. Having a lunch outing and challenging myself at afternoon snack is a lot of vulnerability for ED to slip in. I feel more stressed and anxious than before and I don't know 100% why but I believe it's just with today's schedule. I know though I am also excited for being out of the house today and it's kind of an odd reminder that i'm here... in residential.. like trapped. It's weird to think I have to ask for a pass like a field trip to leave this house and go to Starbucks with my mom and grandma.

I hope / know that the outings of the house are what I need and that I am okay, I am strong, I am beautiful, I am important. I think i've notice before the stronger I get the lower Ed's voice gets but sometimes it's hard because it's like you feel "normal" and then remember you're not.

I feel good and like that's great but than I realize and remember i'm here and not at home, I couldn't make Summer plans, I can't go to the beach because i'm here. At the same point thought i'm here and I am healing my body and my soul. I ams working on myself to nurture my life. If this wasn't where I was there would be no future life.

I'm happy the other day I was able to realize I need to give myself grace and time here, as well as after here. What's hard to comprehend and not think is how long i'll be here for. A part of this is wanting to be able to go to Turks and Caicos and enjoy vacation with my family and Jenna's birthday. I just really want all of them to be able to have and enjoy the vacation.

I know i'll learn more along my journey here on time wise and what is to come after residential. The typical timeline for eating disorder recovery is residential treatment to PHP to IOP to OP. Obviously my journey has been different and I did OP to residential and then we will see what's next. I'm going to trust my team with their recommendations because they're the experts. I overheard a therapist say to a client the other day that the average stay at residential is 6-10 weeks, i know my psychiatrist when I met with him before residential said average 2 months. I don't want to stress about time here I just want to be prepared with a plan of what happens next.

Today I have talked to God, prayed, trusted God, put my faith and hope in God. Only God knows my journey and only he is in control. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen. Just like today's devotion to remember, God will answer my prayers, and whatever the answer is it's in his hands.

For breakfast we had overnight oats with honey, cinnamon, banana, and sunflower butter. I didn't end up having yoga because we left for the bone density test early. i had my morning snack in the waiting room of the bone density office of cashews, almonds, and cranberries. The bone density test was quick and simple. I will find my results with the doctor probably next week or so.

Lunch outing today ended up not as an outing and instead ordering in from an Italian restaurant to the house. We had to pick two things from the lunch menu, I chose a pear salad and an eggplant parm hero. The salad had goat cheese and it was my first time having goat cheese and I enjoyed it.

I read outside after lunch and before group. Today when I went to the nurse for my medicine she told me how she has tears in her eyes when she saw my Dad saying goodbye to me on my admission day here. My dad was crying when he said goodbye to me and got all choked up. She said he's a real man and I know he most certainly is.

Last night watching the bachelorette made me randomly realize that whoever my future husband is how i'm going to have to discuss my journey of my eating disorder and recovery. It first felt like a negative but i quickly shut that down and realize what a massive strength it shows.

I'm excited to see my mom and grandma and I have the outing until 3:45 but I'm going to see if they want to come back to the house and chat since I have free time until meeting with my therapist.

My snack outing was great and challenging. I was so happy to see my mom and grandma. On the outing I realized like woah this is my first time being out of the house with my family - no one from residential. It was scary especially feeling more anxious today but I would not let ED win. I did hear him when choosing what I was getting at Starbucks but I am not mad, I am proud I didn't listen to him. I got a s'mores frap which I never had before, a brownie, and a piece of my mom's lemon cake. My mom and grandma came back to the house and we talked. It was great to spend time today with them, challenge myself a lot, and continue to be reminded of my amazing support.

My grandma said such sweet things to me today and it wasn't look related wise but rather it was how alive I was sounding, talking, and laughing. Knowing my grandma noticed so much in me breaks my heart to know how she's seen me suffer through this but it brings warmth to my heart to know how she sees me coming back to life.

Dinner tonight was polenta with cheese, spinach, and beans. My evening snack was a surprise snack and it was an ice cream sandwich! I was so happy when I saw it on my plate. I know ED isn't happy with today because he had a lot of chances to "win" and he didn't. It's annoying because it's like because I won I should feel good but I just feel ED being pissed he lost. I know that I am rewiring myself and my brain, as well as my body adjusting and these are positive things to recognize and remember. I am reminding myself of ll the positives of recovery and everything will figure itself out and even out.

I'm trusting my team, hoping to go on more outings, and continuing to challenge myself on this journey which I know is showing and paying off. I have a family session tomorrow at 4:30 and today with my therapist we discuss on talking about the next steps after this with them so we all have more information and know where everyone stands. My hope is when I leave Monte Nido I am as good as I possibly can be.

No Retreat No Surrender. JR

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