Day 115 - June 23rd

The Lord's Day - Happy Sunday I get to see my family this morning and we have an outing of pottery stuff at ClayNation. I'm probably going to paint a mug. It's another beautiful sunny summer day. Breakfast today was a yogurt bowl with walnuts, almonds, granola, and strawberries. My snacks today are carrots pita chips and hummus for am snack, luna bar for afternoon snack, and chocolate covered almonds for pm snack. I feel tired today but I am okay.

I met with my sister and parents. It was nice for the visit but the weekends are like how they were at school for me, they tend to hurt a bit. I think it hurts because I feel joy and like myself around them and then they leave. Also with less staff here on the weekends, very little groups, and more free time it's easy for everyone to feel low, down, and empty.

My parents were the only ones that came for visiting today and the other clients seem a little down today after yesterday was such a good day for everyone. It's hard to stay positive or try to get out of my head when those around me are low and in their own heads. The good thing is we sat outside for group today and although it got hot it was nice to be outside in fresh air. I know being outside is insanely positive for my mental health and personal well-being.

Lunch today was the sub-meal which we usually have for one lunch during the weekend. The heat of today, the water limit, and sun unfortunately don't help with the head. After lunch we have our outing which is exciting and the mood of the group has shifted for the positive. Tonight for dinner is pizza because it's pizza Sunday here at residential. I enjoy that we have pizza Sunday because in my house it's pizza Friday. It's funny but great to feel good about fear foods and be able to desire, crave them, and most importantly EAT them. I'm currently outside on my towel writing in my journal laying on my stomach to get some sun on the back of my legs lol. I deff got some good color today which is a nice remember of Summer and the Summer feeling.

Tomorrow we do contracts so i'm going to try to prepare them tonight of my contract and some passes. I want to go to Starbucks with Jenna but if she can't with her schedule then with my mom and Grandma. I want to challenge myself with having my first frappuccino and that will challenge liquid calories and also to have a pastry snack there as well. It's a little stressful because of requesting everything for the week and needing to plan the dates and time with my family but not knowing if they will be approved until Tuesday.

In the car on our way to our outing I felt so normal. I felt that I was in the car with friends going to go somewhere for an "activity". It sounds so dumb but it really is the little things like just seeing the trees and cars pass me by. I felt like my soul is beautiful and I am too and haven't thought those things in awhile. I know i'm a little insecure with my body right now but I also know it will all even out and I have to get healthy and stronger before exercise etc. with shaping and toning my body. I am okay with not being comfortable for awhile in order to get healthy. It's certainly not that best physical feeling sometime but it's mot the worse i've felt, especially with ED.

I love being outside, I love loving and appreciating myself, others, and life. I love my dogs and seeing dogs. I love my grandparents and I love seeing old people. I love loving. I think the scariest part of this journey with Ed is it's my closest thing to death. It's my biggest fear of not living life to the fullest, but if I can live my biggest fear - what is there to fear?

I've said before how i'm thinking of this recovery as a soulful retreat and I truly am. I know I also need to talk with my team and supporters about my future plans. My hope is to be able to go Turks and Caicos and live it soulfully. I'm connecting with my soul, with my life, and with God, and that's all truly amazing. I've been through hell and I can smile at least once every day. The smiles have grew bigger and increased frequency. Being and feeling alive, authentic, rawr, beautiful, joy, helpful, loved, and it's truly amazing.

At Clay Nations I painted a mug and I can't wait to drink tea out of it at Monte Nido and when i discharge coffee!! Life itself is amazing and i'm able to say that with recovering from an eating disorder. Thank you God.

Pizza dinner tonight was a slice of plain and a slice of spinach and artichoke. I never had artichoke before but I found I enjoy it. It is hard dealing with bloating and restoring weight especially when it feels like it all stays and sits in your stomach. I am happy to be enjoying food again, trying new foods, and enjoying foods I haven't had in a long time.

Even though it's my second week i feel like I am accomplishing so much. The weather for this week seems good - rain Tuesday and Saturday. Tuesday a client leaves so it should be interesting to see how fast a new one comes in with the constant waiting list and need for treatment. Tuesday is also lunch outing day, Wednesday I will hopefully have a pass outing, Thursday family therapy session, and Friday outing day. A lot to look forward to and stay excited for this week :)

No Retreat No Surrender


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