Day 114 - June 22nd

Today is Saturday which means multi family group and my parents coming to visit :). I'm excited to see my family and discuss what i've learned, how I feel, how I look, and future plans like passes I can ask for. I feel less stressed and anxious than last Saturday of my first full day at Monte Nido. It's supposed to be a nice sunny & beautiful day. I have a walk this morning after breakfast which should be nice, relaxing, and freeing. I plan on spending my morning outside journaling, reading, resting, and maybe color. I want to be very in touch with nature this morning as it calms and relaxes me.

My parents will be here for multi family group at 1:30 and then for visiting hours after group from 3:30 -6pm. Next weekend hopefully I'll get a pass for an outing. I feel very "Jackie" today like the weather - beautiful, hot but not too hot, bright, and sunny. Feeling the sun rays feels warm, shiny, special, and filled with hope, faith, love and joy. I liked how the therapist from Boston had us describe our mood as weather in group yesterday. it's a little thing but i've realized the little things are the big things.... especially in recovery. I'm going to enjoy the day and be me :) without ED because fuck him.

Tomorrow my parents will be here in the morning which is nice. Today's breakfast is cereal and i'm having raisin bran with a banana and sliced almonds. My snack choices for today are yogurt with a banana and granola for morning snack, an apple string cheese and crackers for afternoon snack, and a graham cracker with nutella for pm snack. finished the book of John in the bible this morning, had breakfast, then went on the walk and had am snack.

Before lunch I did some reading, journaling, coloring, and chatting. It's such a gorgeous day and I am so happy to be outside. Multifamily group today was on the Dos and Don'ts and it went well. I am going to write a list of Dos and Don'ts for my parents to know about me in my recovery terms of what works for me and what doesn't. Dealing with Dos and Don'ts in recovery is hard for the client with the eating disorder and that client's supporters because every client and every eating disorder is different.

My aunt came to visit today and that was a splendid surprise. I look up to her so much and having her here today reminded me of who I want to be. I hope to be as amazing as her one day inside and out. I'm writing her a thank you card before dinner. Dinner tonight was salad and a spinach and feta spanakopita.

There have been clients leaving because of their insurance cutting them. It breaks my heart to see clients that may not be ready to leave but are forced to leave due to insurance. Insurance is all numbers and eating disorders are not just numbers. It breaks my heart to see the eating disorder stigmas truly believed in and people in this world not researching or receiving the right knowledge one eating disorders and eating disorder treatment.

I am blessed that I am able to receive treatment and I can only hope and pray for those that need it to seek and find help. I hope for myself that when my discharge day comes it is at a time where not just insurance is ready for me to discharge but my team is ready, my body is ready, and I am ready.

Today I found myself questioning my journey and overall life. It's hard sometimes on the weekends to not keep thinking and picking at my thoughts with the free time. It's the first nice day in awhile for this Summer and sitting outside I guess it just hit me that I graduated college, i'm 21, it's Summer, I have an eating disorder, and I am in residential treatment with no deadline. It's hard with these thoughts to not feel low and it's like you can't avoid them / I don't want to avoid what i'm feeling or thinking because I am focusing on processing them. Overall I can feel sulky for a few minutes, hours, days however long, but I know deep down inside I am on God's path and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I am happy I don't have the deadline of school and that I was able to graduate because it is such a weight lifted off my shoulders. Not having to "finish up" school makes it easier for me to be able to be recovery focused and allow myself all the time I need to heal. I'm going to really dive in to focusing on my soul this week because recovery is not just about the physical healing part and food but there's the mental and emotional part. I need to find the traits of myself that relate to ED and how to shift them into positive notions and how to stop them from being triggered by ED. Today my dad told me about a commercial that says "purpose is greater than praise". This hit me in a good way that I plan to journal on.

My stomach was really upset before which was hard physically and mentally to deal with but I got through it. Now we're watching Girls Just Want to Have Fun movie. Tomorrow is my laundry day which I have to remind myself in the morning before I forget since we only go to our rooms in the AM and PM.

I think how long i'll be here and the steps of my recovery process after and overall will be interesting. It's not easy to not worry about my body image and what I look and feel like but it's easier than before. I am fully surrendering and trusting God. I have faith that he put my team together for me and they're like angels guiding me along this wild road.

It's weird thinking about "normal life" as i've only been here for a week but it's fascinating to feel the disconnect form the world and to be honest the isolation and disconnect is kind of nice. It's surely the first time where I'm focusing on me every day from AM to PM. It is hard not having contact with people just for updates and letting them know all is good but it's nice in a sense that no one needs to know my every move.

It makes me think about social media and how i've always thought how great it is for business, marketing, creativity, spreading news, and awareness but there is a thin thin line where it's too much. The line where there's an extent of oversharing every little thing or just things people are doing with their day and it's mainly the highlights it's never the tears that could be shed for a few minutes shown - it becomes not authentic with some people. I like the rawr, authentic, true connection, soul provoking things in life, and people.

We watched the sisterhood of the traveling pants two after pm snack and went to bed.

No Retreat No Surrender


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