Day 113 - June 21st

Friday! TGIF! I'm happy now that I came on a Friday because it's a happy day to count how long i've been here. I Can't believe my first week is down! It's a little hard to think about because ED tries to use it as something depressing but it's obviously a positive.


I'm really shifting my mind to thinking about this almost as a "retreat" to better myself and more importantly my soul. My therapist and I believe about how it's unfortunate were here because of and Eating Disorder but it's amazing that we get to do this soul work that many people don't get to do, especially this young.


For me in my recovery journey I know ho strong I feel physically. I believe physically outside of residential it will be a matter of following my meal plan and my food preferences. Mentally i've seen how the physical has helped the mental as my nutritionist in Delaware discussed with me in the very beginning of my recovery. I've always been aware and in touch with myself so now I get to re-experience, grow, and reinvent who I am / who I want to be. Who is Jackie Rafferty ?


No ED is attached there and for the past three months some strangers knew me as the girl who has an ED and that's okay but that's not my identity. Now I know i'm like "rebirthing" being "reborn" as a new and better Jackie. I ask God to guide me and call me to my calling.


Today's meditation from my book is" "may I realize the time I spend thinking about a situation or person is a form of controlling and that my own sanity depends on turning it over to You" and the Today I will remember is: "my thoughts cannot change another person or situation. I can only change myself".I like this because I know I overthink situations or try to plan the future in a sense of control.


I feel a little body image vulnerability or that's what ED wants me to feel. My jeans are tighter but I feel brighter, as one of my Delaware recovery friends would say these are my sick jeans. At time they were baggy, they shrunk over the days too in the dryer but I was too small in this very small size. Sizes are weird and I truly know that with my studies of fashion size differs in every item and vanity sizing is real. Sizing is like a false measurement, it shouldn't matter. It's just another label invented by society.


This morning I journaled and read some of my Bible. Today's breakfast was a waffle with butter and syrup (fear food & condiments AH) and some yogurt and blueberries. My snacks for today are honey bunches of oats for am snack, grapes wheat crackers and cottage cheese for afternoon snack, and chocolate ice cream for pm snack.


I am doing my best to continue to challenge myself with snacks but also follow my cravings. Sometimes this is hard because I have to pick my snacks in the morning but as I move up levels I can receive a pick at time snack which will be picking at the time of the snack and that really allows me to follow cravings of that moment.


We're getting bone density test done next week which i'm happy they're doing here. I am excited about having an outing later today and seeing my parents tomorrow. I'm feeling the gloominess today as the group seems a little in the dumps overall. Sometimes though it's nice to listen to other people's struggles and either relate to them or learn from them and use their skills in my life. In the sense I guess it's me feeling more grateful to God for my life. Like yes I have an eating disorder but I am in recovery. I have a beautiful family, friends, education, and love in my life. I have so much to be thankful for.


We had yoga, snack, then group, and lunch. Lunch today was grilled cheese (AH) with mustard, carrots, celery, and dressing. We had another group after lunch and before afternoon snack. The sun came out after afternoon snack so I'm outside writing now. There's session time now as the usual schedule but Friday's are usually slower for everyone and their sessions. It's a little hard with that just because of needing / wanting to keep busy. I'm happy with how mny body is adjusting with it's hunger and diet thus far, it is uncomfortable at times but it's nice to know it's working.


I can't believe a week ago was my first day and how many PB&Js i've had this week lol. I'm happy for all my challenges this week. I'm going to continue to challenge myself throughout my recovery journey. I do feel a little anxious right now because of it being Friday and the beginning of the weekend. The weekends are enjoyable but with an eating disorder the slowing down and having less things to do leaves room for ED.


I am excited though that I get to see my family and talk to them about my findings and what i've learned this week. My dad sent me a letter and it was really cute and sweet. I did some journaling, coloring, reading, and spent some time chatting outside with my recovery buddies. Dinner was a sub-meal tonight and for our outing we went to Walgreens and Starbucks.



No Retreat No Surrender

JR

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Jackie Rafferty

Jackie Rafferty