Day 112 June 20th

Happy Thursday! it's a foggy day and rainy but honestly feels cozy when you're inside. Today's I will remember from my devotional book is laughter is one of the keys which opens doors to serenity. This morning will be a little slow with no workout after breakfast and before morning snack but I think it will be a good time for journaling. Today i'm going to challenge myself with nutella which I have never ate before but have feared because it's what they make some people and kids eat to gain weight.

I will probably read my life map in primary group today. I slept pretty good without the sleepy time tea too. I'm reading my bible this morning because I feel a calling to just read it. I have a session with my therapist today which will be good and I think we're going to talk about more ways to incorporate my faith into my recovery.

Today I feel strong, empowered, fresh, & cozy. Breakfast was scrambled eggs with cheese, pineapple, toast, and peppermint tea, Today's snacks i'm going to have nutella with graham crackers and, then snack mix with apple juice, and honey bunches of oats. I made my name plate for the table. In primary group I shared my life map and we discussed about my bullying history, not wanting to take up space, being sensitive, vulnerable, and helping other people over myself. Sitting with everything discussed does hurt. I guess it hurts because it's hard to think back and think about things being triggering that lead to my eating disorder. It's also hard to believe that there was nothing I could have done to prevent me being prone to having an eating disorder, it's in my genes.

I know I have to dive into my "soul self". I have to discover the underlying causes and issues of my eating disorder and prevent them from influencing the eating disorder and use them in a positive way in my life. It's scary because I know it's going to hurt and possibly hurt more than I have throughout this process thus far. I have some assignments I want to read now in the workbook and have some topics to journal about which I think will help me a lot. I've always had a good work ethic and while I know reading and doing all the assignments don't cure me they help in the components of recovery and I'm working hard to do as much as I can here each day in recovery.

Lunch today was a rice, chicken, and vegetable stir fry. I made a jewel butterfly that you put together by numbers. Digestion is a bit rough but I know it will pass. I feel more mellow today, not sure why but my old Thursdays used to be me freaking out about working out and just think its being brain tired now but I am okay. We had a CBT group today and we went over these four points of showing up, paying attention, truth without judgements, and not being obsessed with the results.

I'm ready to dive in fully to find more information and reasoning on my eating disorder. I am focusing on feeding my soul and my body. I feel as some of the staff has brought up my perfection and how no one will be mad at me and I guess that hurts a little because I don't like feel fake or unreal I think i'm just a girl on a different path than they're used to or expected me to be on in recovering from an eating disorder and receiving residential treatment.

I'm more in the dumps today but more just like the weather vibe like I don't feel as blah for a specific one reason if anything having therapy today can be stressful because of knowing i'll be mind fucked and vulnerable. Afternoon snack today was snack mix and apple juice I haven't had a snack mix like a chex mix in so long so I am proud of myself for this challenge. Drinking only at meals and snacks of cold water really makes me cold in the digestive process.

I'm writing so much that I need to get more pens. I saw my therapist and we discussed my life map, perfection, and my faith as well as things to journal about. With my dietitian we discussed how i'm feeling physically with the food thus far, past history of fear, challenge foods, and recovery. I forgot to ask id she thinks i'm eating enough currently because I know my body is ready to eat up. Dinner was salad with dressing, bread, quinoa, broccoli and cheese quiche like dish. It was a good meal and I was focused on taste and pace.

After dinner I did my food assignment for Michelle before group. I journaled about faith, food , perfection and read my bible. Evening snack was honey bunches of oats and we had body and soul group after dinner where we did angel cards. The activity felt very spiritual in a good way. I chose the angel joy card and it resonated with me.

The Angel of Joy states:

I feel the radiance of joy through my whole being. I feel the joy of being who I am here and now.

Angels fly because they cannot be pulled down by the gravity of self-improved gloominess. Joy is light, luminous, it comes without creating attachment or division. Let us be like the joy as it flies and we will be winged like the angels.

Me: I resonate with feeling joy of where I am in life, that I'm putting myself first, taking care of my health physically, mentally, and emotionally. Putting myself and my life first. I feel joy for "rebirthing" myself to a new, stronger Jackie. I feel joy in feeling joy again & reconnecting with my body & soul.

No Retreat No Surrender


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