Day 111 - June 19th

It's already Wednesday :) Closer to Friday outing, Saturday visits & Sunday pizza :) lol. Today is my first level 1 day. I'm happy that my first real week i'm on level 1. I emailed my parents this morning. I am only wearing mascara today because I feel like I know I will cry in group because of sharing my letters to each of my parents and my sister. It's good to show emotion and be vulnerable and open.

Here I find that I cry in groups and therapy but outside before it was kind of just ups and downs throughout the way. It's still ups and downs but the emotions are different. I'm happy to journal just like my recovery Instagram served as that to me and definitely easier at school to journal on my phone because of having the time constraints. When I leave residential I know I'll still have consistent work to do on myself in a good way. I will obviously continue with an out patient team. For myself I also want to set a schedule for myself waking up and eating like I am now. I feel hopeful of the time of being here and what progress I can do here.

I'm thankful to God that I've never self harmed. Later may be hard with visitors being here but it's good to have assignments to do and one's I want to do. I also know I need to give myself time and grace with the assignments and like today i'll be most likely crying with my letters but it's good. I feel more prepared as opposed to yesterday crying. I know it's like a if you cry or don't cry about like the level of toughness of recovery and yesterday we spoke about having those moments of good moments increase and I feel that I have learned that throughout recovery.

Recovery isn't linear and there are rough days and rough moments. I have had increased good and more Jackie moments as time has went on. For breakfast we had overnight oats with peanut butter, banana, cinnamon, and honey. I also had some cinnamon apple tea. We had yoga today after breakfast which was my first yoga here. I enjoyed yoga and my therapist teaches it so it's nice to have her presence in the morning. For morning snack I had a "surprise" snack which means that the RC's choose for me. i decided to do surprise snacks for challenges. Recovery is not all about the food but in food terms it;'s important to continually keep challenging and pushing oneself.

My goal for today is to be more mindful with my body and feelings and do what I need to do for me. Really taking this recovery into high thoughts and making myself the best version of me.

I met with the doctor and had a good checkup. My morning surprise snack was coco pebbles! I shared my letters in group and cried but I got a lot of good feedback from the group. The feedback involved a lot about me because perfect and if i'm trying to be a perfect daughter or perfect in recovery. I don't feel that I am trying to be perfect in recovery because I know it's not possible but I think in a sense everyone wants to be perfect in recovery meaning doing good and if only it was so easy to just like "snap out of it". We discussed how maybe I put my parents and sister on a pedestal and not myself. I do believe I have the best parents and sister in the world and I also know they're not perfect so it is in a sense odd that I love all the people in my life and they're not perfect but yet I believe that I should be perfect. The big question for myself here is why do I put myself on such high standards and really none for others. I almost like expect too much of myself and too little from others.

I have this thing with perfectionism where it's like I know myself or anyone or anything can't be perfect but yet I still strive for perfectionism. it's in a sense setting me up for failure like I won't get 100% so I will keep trying and trying for it but deep down knowing 100% will never be achieved but always worked towards. I don't know why I do this to myself because nothing good in a sense really comes out of it.

It's a little odd to me because a part of em can look back to before ED and think that I was really genually happy and loving myself but at the same time if that was true then why would this happen. Also though an eating disorder is about 60% genetics and the other 40% relating to situational things or trigger life aspects that set it off. I feel like everyone has insecurities about themselves and their bodies but mine like became too prominent and focused for me. I feel like I felt good that I just wanted more and more and what started good turned into overdrive and nothing is good when it's too much.

I feel that I have never been able to give myself enough love and support throughout my life to myself and even not "needing" anyone I always wanted validation from others rather than the validation of myself being good enough for me. I believe I have never judge myself, my body in particular as much as I have in the past year and I know that's the eating disorder part of being like "brainwashed" and the truth is as they all say is you and anything will never be "good enough" for your eating disorder.

My psychiatrist had mentioned the fear of being alone to me the other day. For myself I don't fear being alone and in fact I enjoy my alone time but I do fear being lonely. I believe there's a very distinct line between being alone and lonely. I don't see how anyone could not fear being lonely because who wants that in life. With my eating disorder being alone did become scary and hard because it was all me including my eating disorder. I certainly have gotten better with being alone with my eating disorder overtime in recovery but that takes the time to grow and feeling all the pain that comes with it.

Things can be ED triggering with everyone here having different ED's and being different people. For myself I have to stay positive with recovery in order to succeed thinking negatively naturally doesn't work for me. For others being positive doesn't work for them. For afternoon snack I had cottage cheese and wheat crackers. I did some emailing, reading, and socializing with the other clients. It rained today after lunch which was kind of enjoyable and a "cozy" vibe.

During session times today a client was screaming and it was scary because you can feel the pain of the scream in your body. I can connect to the pain of ED and when you feel that pain you never want anyone else to feel it. It's also scary because it brings back how strong ED can be. I thought of all the screaming and crying I have done throughout this process. It's not easy or pretty.

Dinner was a spinach and other vegetables quiche with sweet potatoe fries and zucchini. I felt hungry today before my meals which was nice to feel my body regulating to the meal schedule and working with the fuel it is receiving. It's hard for me to tell fullness still but feeling hungry is a good sign. As the day goes on I feel the tiredness with is natural especially with digestion and getting up earlier than i'm used to. I had mint chip ice cream for evening snack and then I painted my nails and chilled with tv and clients before bed.

No Retreat No Surrender


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