Day 110 - June 18th

Happy Tuesday! Today us outing for Lunch which i'm excited for because out of the house :) i'm writing so much in a good way and I brought like two pens so I will need to get more lol. There's some tension in the house this morning because we had to get reweighed because they lost yesterday's weights and we're only supposed to be weighted once a week on Monday mornings.

There's also some tension because the cooking group was cancelled which I am sad about because everyone seemed to enjoy it and it would be nice to be int he kitchen since i'm currently not allowed to be in there. I feel a little stressed because contract group is also today which is when they then approve and disapprove what we asked for yesterday.

I'm doing my best to keep staying positive and not let others vibes or ED's discourage me or set my ED off. I'm excited to go out today no matter what the food is lol. Tuesday breakfast is an egg sandwich of two hard boiled eggs, spinach, and cheese on an English muffin with an orange. The breakfast was very delicious and I used pepper and ketchup :) My jeans feel tighter today and that surprisingly has made me happy because that means i'm doing good recovery wise.

I have my first real session with my therapist today at 4:30 which i'm excited for. For morning snack I had yogurt with granola and a banana. It was very good but one of the RC's had told me to take bigger bites when I was almost done so there wasn't enough for like bigger bites I was scrapping but she was across the table so I think she couldn't see my bowl and thought I was taking small bites with more in my bowl. The situation did make me feel uncomfortable because it made me feel like i was suing behaviors or ED habits and I knew I wasn't but it was like as if my ED was like ha ha you're not doing good. I know I was doing good and not using behaviors so that's what I have to remember and let the situation go.

I did some coloring in this coloring book my mom got for me that is faith based that I really enjoy because I feel a religious connection while coloring in it. Today's lunch we went out to a place called Asian Fusion. I ordered general tso's chicken. The dietitian told me I had to eat 100% of the rice and 75% of the chicken and broccoli that was on my plate. I pushed myself to eat as much as I felt without focusing on the numbers and I did more than I was required to and it felt good. I am deff full now and have to have room for two more snacks and dinner but I am remembering this fullness will pass and I will be hungry again. i feel foos because the last time i had Chinese food I freaked out because I find it's really hard to determine hunger and fullness with it and it always feels like I ate too much but i'm not 100% full and its like how is that possible.

Things i've noticed that can trigger my ED are others struggling with meals and feeling guilty of eating but I try to stay positive and focus on my own recovery as well as being social at the table because it goes hand and hand and is way more comfortable than just sitting there with ED and eating in silence.

Tomorrow i'm going to try my best to factor in more fruits and fiber because of digestion backup if ya know what I mean but that's the recovery process. It's funny because here we all speak about digestion issues so openly because we're all struggling lol. We got a new client and she's really sweet and seems motivative, positive, and good with food like myself, which is really nice to have.

I have realized and know that I am not just going here and then suddenly when I discharged going to be cured, it's a process and I cannot put any time or pressure on myself for that. It's frustrating to not have a like deadline or know when it will all be over but I know each day it will get better . I successfully got level 1! I am so proud my efforts are already showing and I really didn't think I was going to get it because others told me they were held on entry for another week so yay! I had my therapy session and for snack I had grapes and string cheese. Therapy deff drains my brain but it's like as if ED is getting weaker and I feel it in my brain detecting new ways to keep fighting. I cried in therapy reading my letters to family to my therapist which I expected because they're emotional. I also saw my psychiatrist today and he joked around about me smiling and being positive.

I discussed with him about being able to dive in deep as much as I can here and then I can think of things I want to continue with my out patient team once i'm discharged which will be the real mental work as he discussed. We also discussed about putting all the hard work in now no matter how hard it gets in order to live and long healthy and good life.

I played some solitaire before dinner and then for dinner we had turkey meatballs, bread with butter, and caesar salad which were all yummy. I emailed my parents and spoke with some friends. I had cheerios for evening snack and hung out with clients before bed.

No Retreat No Surrender


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