Day 109 - June 17th

Happy Monday! That reminds me of spin class at the Lynbrook gym. In a good way that thought made me happy instead of sad and thinking about over exercising. I thought about how great it's going to feel to move my body for spin when I want to move it not for the sake of burning calories.

I did my eyeliner this morning and I guess like my more "full face" of my simple makeup but rather than just wearing mascara today like I have been for the past two weeks being home. I haven't wore eyeliner here yet because of crying but I guess that's a good sign. I obviously expect to cry and have good and bad days here because as well all know recovery isn't linear. I also got weighted today which i'm happy about because I can already see and feel my body reacting to weight gain. I'm happy about the weight gain in a sense of that's what i'm here for. I'm also happy my body is in a good place for the gain because I feel like my past 109 days of recovery my body first had to restore itself and its functions before being able to use the food for weight gain.

I have had night sweats which i know has to do with 'refeeding", weight gain, and my metabolism adjusting. Today when I looked in the mirror I saw my face looking it's fullest thus far in recovery but I was actually happy and proud, There are huge body image accomplishments. I also know and feel my thighs getting stronger again. I also see and feel my stomach expanding which I know will be hard to deal with during this process but it will all eventually even out as they say.

Not being able to shave my legs has me actually feeling "free" LOL and in an odd way is another body positive feeling. This morning I was chatting with the nurse about her trip home to Jamaica and I started thinking about my trip a few years ago to Jamaica. I started to think about all the fresh fruit and the amazing family trip I had with my family. I hope I will be able to go to Turks and Caicos with my family but that would mean I would have to be discharged from here before that. I would probably care about what I would look like body wise but after being in residential I would hope I don't think I would believe or feel ugly and fat. I would hope to be happy, full of life, and eating good, what I wanted, challenging myself, and trying new foods. I hope to be there with my family because after all of this and the process continuing it would be nice to have a vacation.

I know my body will take at least a good year adjusting of like balancing it's weight and metabolism and stuff again and also then when i'm able to workout again. I want to try new workouts and also have like activities of walking and hiking and not look at them as workouts for burning calories.

Today we have group community which also goes over contracts. I hope i'm able to hit level 1 this early. I don't know if I need to have more "meetings" or "appointments" with my team here yet to move on to that. No one has the workout today so it's free time until snack. I'm trying to switch up my snacks as well. This mornings breakfast was two hard boiled eggs with strawberries and a toaster strudel apple flavored. It felt harder to eat but like I did good finished it all. I don't know if it's because of the meal because a toaster strudel a fear but not I think to freak me out too much lol. I'm showing variety in my snacks and that I think will help me with being able to get level 1 as well.

Today i'm having graham crackers and peanut butter with milk for morning snack, afternoon snack i'm having pita chips with hummus and carrots, and for evening snack i'm having a strawberry pop tart which is a big challenge for me!

I found out today that Tuesdays are lunch outings where our dietitian picks a place and we go out for lunch which i'm excited about to have normalization and not be trapped in the house. It's good too to go out because it's challenging. With the levels all in my head I also realized that I have to remember that my psychiatrist said he won't"keep me" here for longer than he thinks I should be and that the levels don't necessarily result in discharge.

I'm happy that we have TV privileges on the weeknights and on the weekends because it feels normal and it is relaxing too. We had group and with a therapist from the Boston location. I opened up in group about needing support and tips for adjusting to residential. Group for me was mixed feelings because there's new triggers and vulnerabilities for ED but i'm reminding myself I am strong and the strongest i've been thus far in recovery. Even if tomorrow is a hard day I will be stronger tomorrow than I am today.

After group I got my bloodwork and urine test done. I checked in with a recovery coach about my contract to make sure . filled it out well and to ask for any suggestions on goals for the week. lunch today was chicken apple sausage with pineapple and macaroni salad. I had ketchup with some of the sausage as well. I was happy to be trying new foods like the chicken apple sausage and this type of macaroni salad, I was also proud of myself for using condiments. I've been enjoying my meals here so far which is really great.

ED has been in my head in digestion time just because it's a vulnerable time and it's physically uncomfortable. I just feel blah and cold from drinking the cold cold water. I just keep reminding myself that the digestion pain will pass and I've been trying to do therapeutic things like journaling during it to pass the time and "distract" the brain from the digestion pain if you will say. Tomorrow we have out lunch outing a new client is coming in. I hope it's a challenging food category for me to continue to challenge myself.

Today i've journaled, colored, and read outside during free time because I didn't have sessions today. Dinner tonight was pasta with tomatoes, cheese, and spinach. I learned tonight that we're supposed to only use the utensils on the table for the meal we're having. After dinner we had nutrition group which was nice and informative and outside! My goal / task I wish to do is to spend as much time outside as I can here because it keeps me calm, connected, and I find it therapeutic as well. My pop tart challenge went great and it reminded me of when I was younger and loved them so much.

No Retreat No Surrender


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