Day 108 - June 16th

Sunday! The Lord's Day! Today's devotion is: I am blessed with a good life. I have been blessed with an amazing and beautiful life from God, which is something ED can't take away.

I slept good last night which was much needed from emotionally being tired and physically as well. I hope I can continue to have good nights of sleep here. It's 7am now and it rained last night. My parents and Jenna are supposed to visit this morning which I greatly appreciate. I know this week will be hard excuse it's my first week of residential, but I will continue to fight, especially physically.

I'm so blessed with my family. It's also nice to be close to home and have them be able to bring things for me since now I know the house temperature of being cold and hot on and off consistently. In school I was able to text and call them and now with no phone I miss that but it's new ways of communication with calling, emailing, and facebook messaging. I don't want them to worry but I do want to keep them informed.

Right now we're watching Friends before breakfast which is nice and relaxing the sun is rising, whether or not it will come out today is the question. This journal is like how I would talk and share in my recovery Instagram. Today I found out that breakfast for the weeks stays the same expect Monday is a switch up. Sunday's breakfast is a yogurt bowl. Today's yogurt bowl had granola, strawberries, coconut shreds and honey and it was very delicious.

I saw my family and had them read the letters I wrote to each of them. Tonight i'm going to call them or try to and ask them to write letter to me of what they're feeling now, not just necessarily words of encouragement. I feel guilty for crying when they were here because of Jenna. I don't like her seeing me struggle with ED. I don't want to scare her. I also know that my tears are understandable and honestly show more strength of me fighting this fight.

For snack I had almonds, cashews and dried cranberries. Saying goodbye to my family was hard but right after we had group which was my first group of this residential treatment thus far. I've always liked and appreciated group therapy because of my group therapy group in Delaware. Therapy always hurts my brain because it's going between ED and my healthy-self and discovering and realizing new things. I always need time to breathe and recollect afterwards.

I'm really happy i've been journaling this much thus far to be able to keep track and also look back. The rest of this week I will try my best to almost look at this as school. It will be hard and tiring but I know I got this. My heart and stomach are hungry if I don't feel hungry in my stomach it sometimes is like a feeling in my heart - or my chest like I need to eat. I am happy i've been feeling hungry.

Today's lunch lunch in the kitchen looks like some rice and sauce thing but IDK what it is yet but either way I am ready to eat 100% and not supplement. Today at group listening to people's issues and concerns made me recognize others' life struggles but also my own. I know I can and will conquer this and I can with my issues and problems too. i'm grateful for my life, family, and supporters. I'm excited to work with my new team and move to a new step of my recovery journey. I just have to go day by day and minute bu minute on this phase of recovery. It's not about the time, it's about the journey.

I'm excited for our outing to Barnes & Noble and we get to go to Starbucks but only order decaf drinks. I'm going to challenge myself and order Jenna's go to drink of an Iced Vanilla Latte with Almond milk to add on some liquid calories. I'm hoping my body shows gaining results and they will adjust my meal plan as needed to get my weight to what is ideal for my recovery.

My head is a little weird today with the weather, but I think food, water, and maybe the decaf coffee later will help. The lunch today was PB&J again for me because it was a meal I has subbed. For snack I will be having a peppermint Luna Bar on the outing. We are doing some shopping in the area instead of nails after Barnes & Noble.

Later tonight were planning on having movie time. I got my medicines all today since I had to have my mom bring some because they had to be unopened. The outing was really fun and I got a Jackie Kennedy book and a fashion related book. Then we ended up going to home goods and I got a pineapple snow globe for my room at home. When we got back I went on the computer for the first time and I messaged some of my friends on Facebook and emailed my parents and Jenna.

I kind of hope it rains tomorrow or is on and off sometimes this week just to feel relaxed and like i'm "stuck" in this house and it's okay. Although having group outside today was really nice. Contract group is tomorrow and i'm applying to be on level 1. I believe it should be fulfilled because of the work i've done even in these few short days but I also see them not fulfilling it because of such short time i've been here.

I don't know how levels relate with discharging but I hope to hit my levels and discharge when the team decides it's right for me and insurance as well, not get cut too early, or too late. Sundays are pizza night here which i'm happy we have because Fridays at my house are pizza night. Pizza was the first fear food I challenged and now i'm back to enjoying it and even craving it (WILD I KNOW). Today's pizza was a margherita slice and a regular cheese slice. For night snack I had coco puffs (AAHH). I'm happy i'm getting through challenging foods in meals and choosing to challenge myself as well with snacks and options. Day 108 down.

No Retreat No Surrender


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