Day 107 - June 15th

First night of sleep wads about 11:30 - 2:30 and 3:00 - 6:00. 6am wake-ups for vitals has begun. I now found out I can't have my razor on entry level so I have to wait for contract group and see if I am approved "sharps". For now I will have some nice prickly legs lol.

It's really nice to rise with the sunshine this morning and I love how it's on the corner and on a beautiful property. I am waiting to shower. Then get weight because i get weighted the morning of my first full day here. I wish there was coffee even if it was decaf here just to drink outside, but I wouldn't be able to do that anyway because you're only allowed beverages at meals and snacks.

I'm excited to see what tea they have and for my cheerios for breakfast and of course seeing my parents today. Seeing my parents will be challenging too but I loved talking to them last night and that they're so close compared to school in Delaware obviously. With yesterday being tiring and my emotions and no coffee i'm sure it will be hard but I am STRONGER than ED and this is my LIFE and it's time to live.

I showered and got weighted and it's weird not knowing my weight but right now I also enjoy this. I enjoy that I just need to focus on my team's instructions like eating all of my food on my plate. It's weird likes not being able to have a razor or a belt for my pants but I understand why they do it. I also understand that even though i've pushed myself with eating the pas few weeks and have expanded my duet and challenged fear foods my body is adjusting still to food. I won't be on the walk today but neither will another client so at least i wont be alone. I know my brain and body are adjusting and i also know i'm tired and will miss my coffee very much here.

Saturdays here there's 3 visiting times and one of them is the family/ supporters group. Today my parents are coming for the second and third visiting time. The second visiting time is when the family group is. On the weekends were allowed to watch TV at any time and on the weekdays it's after pm snack so like 9pm.

My roommates are two clients who have been here since day one of Monte Nido Glen Cove opening. I have been able to learn a lot form them already, which is very helpful. One client is discharging on Monday and has been here for a month I think. My goals for discharging I believe are for weight restoration, improved mental health, and have things I will be able to work on outside of residential with my out patient team.

I guess what i'm currently scared for is when I first "break". I don't know if it will be at a meal or what but I have to remind myself I am human and, myself, my mind, body, and soul, my diet, and my recovery cannot and will not be perfect. I also know right now I am adjusting and after a few days I will be more on routine and m body will be more on schedule. I know the beginning there will probably be a little depressing after getting comfortable of like "here we go another day of residential again" but I also know I wont be in residential forever. I spoke to my therapist yesterday on really wanting to bring my faith into my recovery and she has worked with people in the past who do that and believed in it so i'm really really excited for that aspect of recovery.

I think the perfectionist side of me doesn't want to fail or mess up in recovery because in a good way i want to be done with ED but thats not realist. I feel safe and I have met more RCs and other staff members which is nice.

We're limited on things we can do but so far i have my journal, reading, coloring, TV, cards, the computer. The weather this week I believe is supposed to be windy and rainy which i'm hoping it will be cozy and comforting vs being depressing but . have to stop worrying about failure, not being good enough, not trying hard enough with all life aspects and just be me. Yesterday was a predict showcase of who I am - I am kind, I am smart, I am happy, I am hardworking, I am dedicated, I am positive, I am uplifting, and I am so much more.

I am feeling emotional but how could I not when it's the first full dayI am here. I am also really happy though with all the clients that are here and I know I am okay and I will be okay. Today i jus need to breathe, relax, focus on myself, and give myself time for recovery and life .

For breakfast I had cheerios, with regular milk, a banana, and sliced almonds. Every morning we pick our snacks after breakfast so they can be portioned for us if we don't have portioning privileges (received on higher levels). My snack picks for today are yogurt & granola, apple and PB, and chocolate ice cream. I had mint chip last night and I believe the two flavors of ice cream available right now are mint chip and chocolate.

We're currently watching Shrek since it's the weekend and we have the TV. Clients are discussing snacks and it seems that we should switch up snacks from the snack list, which makes sense to challenge ourselves and not form habits or just stick with "safe foods". I had yogurt and granola for snack and it was great! I also felt hungry for it so that was a plus. Lunch today was PB&J chips, oreos, and watermelon. I found out that this is the "sub" meal and we always have it once on the weekend. The sub meal is the meal you can have twice a week excluding the already scheduled weekend one if you don't want to have one of the dishes on the menu for the week. The sub meal is always PB&J with some type of chip, fruit, and cookie.

My parents came for multi family group which I am so thankful for and I appreciated the group topic today of guilt and shame. I discussed about being at school and sharing my story and how at times I felt like I was the "ED girl", but I know I am not ED I am Jackie Rafferty. I chose recovery, I chose to live again and I will continue to keep choosing recovery and life. My Dad said in the group that I am caring, loving, and that I put others before myself, too much. He also said how i'm the "mom" of my friend group. I said I feel the need to take care of everyone and be able to fix others "problems" and be able to fix my own on my own. My mom spoke about feeling guilty about me having my Eating Disorder. I was happy she said this because I knew she felt this way but she never truly expressed it. Daddy and I discussed about her being the perfect and amazing mother and how she wishes she could "kiss my boo-boo away" and everything would be okay. My Dad and I truly believe she was put on this earth to be an amazing mom, which she is. I wish she didn't feel guilty for me having an eating disorder because there's nothing she could have done to stop it.

I was happy my parents got to meet other clients' parents as I am becoming close with them. It's nice in a sense of all of us being here and suffering at different spots in our journey but we all feel the pain. There's also a lot of common denominators within our eating disorders which is fascinating to me.

Coming in on a Friday to residential is a little rough because of things being on a slower schedule but it is nice at the same time because I got to see my parents today and again tomorrow. It's been an overall on and off day and that's how I expected to feel and feel like most of us do today too. I feel like my ED is good with food because of a sense looking at each meal and snack as like a task to complete and to eat 100%. For snack after family group I had an apple and peanut butter which challenged a food rule of mine of having something twice in a day because I had peanut butter at lunch and then for snack.

After snack there was the last visiting hours for the day so I toured my parents around and we talked. I've had like moments of tears today, this morning on the phone to my dad, in therapy, and with my parents. I also expected this and I rather be a little on and off than a full off day. I discussed with my parents about how i'm actually and finally beginning to give myself credit for my recovery and looking into what I want out of recovery. The hard part right now is time and trying to think of what I need. Eating wise i've been doing great here and only wish to continue. There will be hard meals and snacks and it will be uncomfortable at times with ,y stomach feeling too full when it needs to expand but I know I will continue fighting.

Not every meal, food, or snack has to be perfect, as my Dad told me awhile ago. I just have to keep fighting and marching on. It's nice to realize the physical efforts i've made in recovery pay off here and now. I'm also happy about my recovery because of being able to see the improvements, the skills, and success. I know this has been over 3 months and I've been able to work and feel like me even more in the past two weeks and now I hope and pray I gain weight quickly to help with the mental work and my time here.

My mom talked about how nice it is to see me alive and smile and be me and just talking with me. I shed tears when she said this because that's what I want. To live again. My tasks today were journaling, reading, laying outside, talking, family therapy group, and family time. I didi my forms and recovery goals as well as my life map. I want to work more possibility on my life map now and my letters to my parents. For dinner I had asparagus and mac & cheese (AH FEAR FOOD). I enjoyed it all thought :) I feel tired emotionally, lack of solid sleep last night, drained, and from digestion with the increase in calories and mentally processing being here.

Tomorrow morning my parents and Jenna are coming to visit me. It will be rough saying Goodbye to them but good to know I can call them & that we have an outing of Barnes & Noble to keep me preoccupied after they leave. It's amazing how I've been able to use the fuel as power to fight ED - fuel being food. Happy to be coming back to life.

I had my snack and I was so happy because they have Sleep Time Tea (the BOMB . COM). Tomorrow I want to make sure I focus on switching things up so I get used to it with snacks since that's really my only say of what I eat each day. I wrote my letters to parents. I'm happy to listen and share my story and feelings with other clients here. It's nice that we can lean on each other. I hope I sleep good tonight.

No Retreat No Surrender


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