Day 106 - June 14th

March 1st, 2019 will forever be the hardest & scariest day of my life being diagnosed with ED. June 14th, 2019, today will be the second hardest day of my life, but the first day to my life & this time the best thus far. I know i'm here for a reason and i'm in the right place. It's scary as hell and it was so hard in the car this morning leaving home and saying goodbye to my parents. I hate the feeling of signing my name on all the papers but I also know it's the best and right choice. I really like the staff here, I also like seeing some of the staff wearing cross necklaces because it constantly reminds me of my faith.


I told God in the car today that I surrender to him, I need him & Jesus to really take the wheel and feel it. I need to and want to focus on my faith here becauseI know it's going to save me. I've signed a lot of papers today and answered a lot of medical questions. I don't know my weight but I want to know because I really pushed myself with eating these past two weeks of being home after graduation. I just want the scale to show me I truly did have the best "Jackie" week. This past week has been what . needed before coming to residential, not just in eating terms but in relationships and reconnecting with life and others again.


After doing all the medical stuff today I had lunch with an RC (Recovery Coach) my lunch was a bunch of fear foods and.... I ATE IT ALL!!! At residential the food is prepared for you and i'm on entry level so it's also portioned for me. In order to follow your meal plan you're supposed to clear your plate, since the portions are determined by your dietitian. Today's lunch was a PB&J sandwich on white bread (AH, can't remember the last time I had WHITE bread), an apple sliced up, cheese doodles (AH, forgot these even existed), and two chips ahoy cookies (AH). I ate it all no problem which I know I'll have fears throughout this but for my first meal here I am so proud of myself for eating it all and showing them how strong I am. I felt like a 3 year old because of the "junk food" and PB&J.


Then I had to go over my meds and I met with my dietitian. My recovered cousin told me having your team do the meals for you is good because you don't have to worry about cooking, preparing, and those ED thoughts. I can already see how true that is just in today of not being anxious about - what I should eat for lunch or dinner. Especially with all the overwhelming emotions of today it was certainly needed to not have control of my food.


I saw my psychiatrist today and it made me so happy to see a familiar recovery team person since i'm just beginning to meet my residential team. I spoke to my psychiatrist about me freaking out in the car and ED coming in new ways. I think also this week especially I have to verbalize and showcase how much I have done by myself with my Delaware team. Not to compare my journey but I am so incredibly strong. I have conquered eating in general &so much more that I have done in recovery these past 3 months. I'm also excited about the food & like I said it's so nice to have it done for me. I know ED will be wild this week but I also know I GOT THIS!!


The nice thing is I already get to see my family tomorrow, since it's a weekend with visiting hours. Things I learned thus far from today is my recovery at residential will include spending my time in appointments and with the other girls, doing assignments, have weekly outings, I will be woken up @ 6am by the nurse and have my vitals done, and I have to go to the bathroom with the door cracked and not flush or wash my hands until they check it because I am on full observations on entry level. Everyone staff wise are mainly women and all the girls here are so loving and supportive.


I know I'm scared but i'm going to be okay. Everyone is also talking about how positive I am but that's me, the real Jackie. I think i really have to work to get to know my team and have them know me and show them how much work I have done so we're all in the same terms of my recovery and how things are going. I do miss being able to update my recovery Instagram because I wish I could share so much each day, but I have this journal. I am happy that I have computer access and the phone to be able to speak to my parents who are really the main important supporters and people that need to be informed.


For our Friday evening outing today we went to Michaels Arts & Crafts and then the Starbucks in Barnes & Noble. On Sunday were going to Barnes & Noble and getting our nails done which is exciting for books & nails! For dinner I had a salad with radishes (never had before - they were yummy) and dressing (AH OMG dressing) with mushrooms and polenta. I ate everything again and made it my goal to eat all my meals and use no supplements. I am stronger than ever in recovery now. I need to fight & shine. I'm ready for this. Sadly there is no coffee but there is decaf tea & ice cream! I'm having mint chip (my fav) ice cream for night snack. All the meals and food seem like they will be yummy which is good and exciting.


I know i'll be exhausted for awhile and with ED mentally, emotionally, and physically but I will never surrender to ED. I will only surrender to God & his blessings. I thank god for life today & for saving me. I'm applying faith to my recovery journey. So here I am day 1 entry level leaning the ropes and have 24/7 support. 106 days down and I already see & feel more Jackie.


I'm happy they do their best to keep us busy here with things to so such as groups and activities. Tomorrow there is a walk in the morning but I can't go because of my level of entry level. The levels go entry, Level 1,2,3 I believe. Hopefully my level movement goes up smoothly. All i know is it's day 1 of residential and I ate my 2 meals here and 1 ate home and my 1 snack here. Here we go Goodbye ED because when I leave I'll be even stronger & more Jackie. I need to keep eating so the weight works itself for overall health and recovery. i accept weight gain and over recovery painful digestion in order to live without ED.


xoxo

JR

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Jackie Rafferty

Jackie Rafferty